Firstly let me apologise for the disasterous pun's in the title of this post, my only excuse is that filleting this behemoth was so stressful it addled my mind!
My best friend Angela looked at me agog when I informed her that I was going to fillet the whole salmon.
(mainly because when it came to cooking it I discovered that despite all my best laid plans it didn't fit in my oven..................)
But I took on the task with gusto.....
for the first 5 minutes.
Picture this, I am stood looking at what can only be described as a gargantuan fish sat on my little Gino DiCampo butchers block, which until this moment I had thought was of a fair size as chopping boards go. Mr Fish is looking at me with accusing eyes and there is me mulling over where to start.
And if I'm honest looking more than a little bewildered.
'Right Liz think..........'
'How did Rick Stein do this? '
The head!!!! The head comes off first!!
So I gently lift the gills so that I can find the optimum point at which to decapitate the beast and then...............the blighter bit me! Ok so I may have been in control of the very dead fish at this point but I refuse to take responsibility for my finger brushing its mouth which I now can reliably state is lined by blinkin' sharp gnashers! It drew blood!!!
In return for this onerous deed I decided to chop its head off with a little more gusto than was really necessary but revenge is sweet!
Might I add that my best friend is still observing this minor battle with more than a touch of amusement in her eyes (which I chose to ignore).
Our fishy friend is now looking like Marie Antoinette post guillotine and im feeling very pleased with myself that I managed to do it without losing any significant amount of fish flesh or my own fingers.
I mentally call upon the inspirational musings of Mr Stein and pray to that God of the cockle that he guide me in my endeavours. I remove the fins (which is more difficult than it sounds). I'm a reasonably intelligent woman but I found it a little suprising that the fishes fins are attached to the body by a joint. Retrospectively I have no idea why this was such a surprise because anatomy isn't something I'm particularly bad at but I digress, it was a shock at the time.
I sharpened my knives, ran my filleting knife (or the only knife in my kitchen that looks anything like a filleting knife) down the back of the spine and started to gently prise the flesh from the rib cage.
Salmon are slippery little suckers!!!!!!!
Fast forward to both fillets being removed amidst a shameful amount of swearing and one or two open threats of bodily damage to an already dead fish and voila!!!!! two lovely-ish looking salmon fillets complete with 'oh cod' bones...........................
Now I am one of those ultra organised (hahahahahahahaha!!) mothers who has everything in her handbag ready for any eventuality, not because everything gets thrown randomly in there and if it cant be found anywhere else it will be in mums bag, honest! So I delve into the depths of the bag looking for tweezers.
Aha!!! Now the inside of my handbag smells suspiciously like a fishmongers because I stupidly didn't wash my hands before delving into the bag but who cares? I found the tweezers!!
An hour and several bouts of bad language later...........
I give up! If there are any more bones in that bloody thing its tough!
Lined the inside of my largest baking tray with parchment paper backed with foil (its brilliant stuff you can buy it in Sainsbury's) threw some black pepper and a sliced lemon over the now decidedly ragged looking salmon fillets topped with more of aforementioned paper/foil and shoved into the fridge til the following day when it was needed.
Cooked it in the bottom of the oven on gas mark 3 for an hour, while we all went to church, no I'm not joking this was part of the catering for my sons christening!! when we got back the salmon was cooked perfectly, soft and flaky and I got lots of compliments about it so I forgave the salmon for biting me!
This is an adventure that while I am glad I embarked upon it, I will not be repeating the journey............................. Mr Fishmonger is my new best friend.
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